Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got til it's gone

Last night I had a conversation with Remy. Remy is a friend that I've had since the end of 2004. We were engaged in general discussion for awhlie but then I focused our conversation to a specific topic. I asked her "Where did I go wrong with you?" and at first she didn't understand the question. So I explained my question was really regarding, why things between us never really went anywhere. I had my own impression of why, but I wanted to know her view as it probably had more relevance on the subject than mine.

My view on why we never really took off was inconsistency. When I first met Remy I didn't really look at her in anyway. She just had the vibe of someone interesting to hang out with. In this early stage of our relationship, things were platonic. I had the impression for sometime she was interested but I didn't really pay it much attention. It took her becoming interested in a mutual friend for me to become jealous and think "what about me?" even though all that time I wasn't even giving it any thought. The two of them never really established anything solid but after their mingling she did find a boyfriend who she was with for the next year and a half. She moved to Florida with him as well. This was a point where I thought I waited to long to consider her as even an option.

Fast forward to April 2007, she and this guy broke off their engagement and she was moving back to NY. I thought to myself here I have a chance again. We spent time together, and we chatted more often, but still it was inconsistent. We'd get really close and open with each other and then our conversations would be sparse and fleeting. There were other guys who shared interest in her and so I didn't pursue it to the extent that maybe I should've. We did however become very close during this period of time, and I was very flirtatious with her. We were sweet with each other, but still maintained platonic distance, allowing the other to do as the other pleased without it affecting us. And this is how we remained.

Last year she started dating somebody, which meant I had to give up on some of the pleasantries of our relationship, out of respect for the guy she began dating. The kind of jealousy I had in 2005 isn't the kind of thing that took place last year. I wasn't mad, I wasn't upset, I wasn't thinking what about me, while I was slightly bummed to give up on the intimacy I gave her when we spent time together, I was happy that she seemed to find someone she was interested in.

Anyhow, her take on it. She said she didn't take any of my advances as anything more than friendly. That my signals got misinterpreted. And that things may have been different had I made myself more clear.

As I sit here and write this entry, and I reflect on that, I realize that even at this stage of me, it's probably better the way things are. Remy is awesome. She is one soul I can be very forthcoming with, one person I'm probably more open with than other people. I once asked on myspace for my friends to write a 150 word essay on why they were my friend, she was one of 2 who actually did it. I failed to write hers, and maybe this entry will make up for that. But when it all boils down, I am, as I was, inconsistent. She deserves better than that, and right now it seems she has better than that. I just worry that one day I'll look back and think "That's the one that got away."

Anyway, for you brave souls who have read thus far, make your attentiveness known, and share your feedback.

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